On Sunday, my first book was released. It still doesn’t seem real. It feels a little like my insides are on the outside if that makes any sense? Creating something with words and then putting it out there is frightening and reminds me of the birthing process. Not that this book is any way close to the process of delivering my babies. That process was quite a bit more painful, at least physically. I love writing, and I love the way it makes me feel, but it’s not even close to the satisfaction I feel at being a mom.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I wasn’t the type of girl that played with dolls much, but I loved babysitting and I loved watching my younger cousins grow. I was excited at the thought of marriage, but I was more excited about being a mom. I went through some awful relationships in my twenties, including a failed engagement, and frankly I thought that I would need to go to the sperm bank for any chance at a baby. That may have happened, had I not gotten drunk at a wedding and confessed my feelings to my now husband…but that’s a story for another time.
I became a mom almost six years ago, when I welcomed my son, B. I’ll just say giving birth and then trying to breastfeed was like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. I struggled, and for a while there I thought I was drowning. Those first few days of no sleep and constant anxiety were a nightmare. The baby was jaundiced. He couldn’t latch. Yada, yada, yada…I was worn out and so was my husband. We swore we would never go thru it again. Then, I finally learned to just enjoy the process of watching this little one grow. He was and is, feisty, full of mischief, active, and always entertaining.
When H, his little sister, came along, I thought my heart would burst. Surely, there couldn’t be enough room in someone’s heart for another child? I already had so much. H changed all that. She is a princess, and as she says herself ‘sassy’. This past weekend, we celebrated her third birthday. Birthday party on Saturday, book release on Sunday. It was anxiety-inducing.
I’ve been constantly checking Kindle publishing to see how many copies of my books have been sold. I think I might be up to about twenty copies. Ugh. I have no idea how to market anything, even though I am enjoying created ads on Canva. I’m using this blog as a sort of stream of consciousness writing because it soothes me, when I suppose I should be using it to show my skill at writing. What I’m coming to realize is that it doesn’t matter how many copies I sell. The simple act of getting it out there has to be enough.
How are these two things connected? My babies and my book release? I’m learning that I have to compartmentalize. Being a mama has to come first when my babies need me. I remember trying so hard to get my own mom’s attention when she was reading a book. My mom was and is a wonderful mother, but I hated the way it made me feel. I’m trying hard to put down my phone and not pay attention to sales or ratings while my babies are around. I’m trying hard to be present. Isn’t that one of the most difficult things to do these days? So many pieces of technology around to constantly amuse us that it seems impossible to pay attention to any one thing. I still find my attention wavering, but I’m going to do my best to make sure my babies know that I’m here for them.
We never realize when we are growing up what goes on behind the scenes of parenthood. The worry about bills, our own mental health, our jobs, and everything else that goes along with being a grown-up; these are not worries kids realize their parents have. Parents are not supposed to be real people. We should have it all together. Ha. I hope my kids don’t realize yet just how much we juggle and how hard we try to keep up with the everyday tasks.
I hope you aren’t struggling with balancing of all your titles, but if you are, please know that you aren’t alone. I have so many titles now that it’s hard to keep track. Remember to take a slice of time for yourself. Maybe read a book at the end of the day? Falling for You is a good choice. See, now I’m trying my hand at advertising. Thanks for reading, and love you all.
“Be a full person. Motherhood is a glorious gift, but do not define yourself solely by motherhood. Be a full person. Your child will benefit from that.” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie